Healing and Preserving Relationships

How many of us have the need for healing in our relationships? Most of us have someone in our life that really rubs us the wrong way. Sometimes we fight and bicker and use an array of tactics to deal with these stressful relationships. A lot of us use the ways we learned from our family. Here are three, to name a few:

1. Fight: We don’t mind getting into a shouting match to prove we are right.
2. Flight: This is not worth it, and flee, walk away, run, I’m out of here.
3. Stuff: We don’t deal with it and hold it all inside. Pretend it’s not bothering us.

Let’s look a little deeper at what’s going on here.

Number one’s personality wants to feel better, so they want to duke it out in a shouting match because they want to be right. Getting things out also gives a release, then we move on. The other person is left feeling violated and stepped on.

Number two’s personality wants to take flight and flee the uncomfortable encounter altogether. Just let me out of here. We insulate ourselves from any kind of conflict, thus we don’t grow or develop a depth, but live life on the surface. The other person is left hanging wondering why they can’t penetrate your life about anything. Not great for relationship building.

Number three’s personality will take it in and stuff it, internalize it, let it eat away at them… all the while pretending that everything is just fine. This way is dishonest to yourself and to others, giving the enemy a foothold into your life to rob you of an authentic life. All the while no one really knows you on the inside, which feels empty.

Which tactic do you use? Have you done all three at different times in different situations, depending on who you are with?

I know I have–and to be honest–they have all been a bit uncomfortable for me. It’s uncomfortable because I think it’s all about me at the moment; I might even feel threatened. So, sometimes Flight might be right. Is it ever right to duke it out? This usually happens when nothing else has worked yet, I’m not feeling heard. My voice elevates and now I want to prove my point. It usually doesn’t end well. Then sometimes I stuff it because I’ve felt I’m not important enough to the other person to speak openly without being judged and I don’t want to rock the boat so to speak. So you pretend you’re fine and you go along; you want to be accepted, right? You may be safe in the moment, but what about later. Are you going to be okay? Does what happened bother you? Do you hear an inner voice telling you, you are just a hypocrite? You should have spoken up?  If I had the guts, I would have given them a piece of my mind. I mull it over and over and my feelings become turned inward. That’s the kind of stress we end up carrying around inside. Over the course of time it may affect our health.

One thing’s for sure, all three approaches affect the relationships we have with others. Is there another way? I think there is. Let’s look at what Jesus Christ did when faced with difficult people. You know He encountered countless people that were judging him, accusing Him, asking Him for all kinds of things. We as people are quite needy and will usually do what ever it takes to get our needs met even if they are just perceived needs. Sometimes we can’t tell the difference between a want and a bonafide need. This usually causes a problem. Have you ever wondered why or how Jesus could deal with people so effectively? He had the knowledge to know what to apply to who and when because He was God incarnate. He knew everything about who He was dealing with, so He knew their needs.

Which leads to our alternative plan in dealing with others, or family. When Jesus left this world and ascended into heaven, He promised us the Holy Spirit. John 14:25-27 says: “All this I have spoken while still with you, but the Advocate, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.”

I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a good deal to me. He didn’t leave us here to figure this stuff out by ourselves. I know for myself that in my struggle for healing in my family relationships, and I’ve had my fair share. If I had known what He was offering in the midst of my trial’s, things may have turned out better.

At first, I looked to see how Jesus dealt with people. He was always respectful and He spoke truth, He never lied or covered things up. He dealt with it and then He moved on. Sometimes, the right thing was to not speak up or call out their sin because of course He is all knowing and knew the person wasn’t ready to deal or face it. He never got into a shouting match with anyone over something they did to Him. Oh, the one time He got angry was in the temple when people were defiling the Temple. Now there are stories about Him leaving situations, like when the angry mob was trying to throw Him over a cliff. He was taking his orders from His Father, knowing His time was not yet come (Luke 4:29,30). He wasn’t leaving out of fear; He knew the plan and acted appropriately. As for holding things in, we know if left unchecked this will breed resentfulness. I know Jesus never sinned so we know He was not resentful, nor did the events He encountered turn to bitterness, which is an extension of resentfulness not dealt with.

The one thing we all have in common is that when we receive Jesus Christ, we hit a home run. He didn’t leave us here on our own. He gave us the Holy Spirit so we have the life and resources needed to deal with people. They don’t call Him “The Holy Spirit” for nothing. You see, if Jesus was one with the Father and our life is hidden in Christ, we have everything we need for life and godliness (2 Peter 1:3)
“For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God” (Colossians 3:3 ESV). Now because my life is hidden in Christ, I can call upon Him in the moment of trial and ask for Him to lead and guide me through this situation. He’s the one with the knowledge of every situation and knows how things need to be handled.

Our challenge is to learn how to surrender or turn over the situation to Him and listen. That might sound easy but it’s something you have to learn as you spend time with Him, and what better way to get to know Him than to read the word of God written in the Bible. Only He knows what is needed in these situations because He knows both sides of the situation.

Knowing Him and His character will most certainly develop humility which will bring about a host of wise responses to our loved ones and beyond.

Stay tuned, we can explore this more if you’d like. Call me or send me a message, I’d love to chat with you.